


buzzfeed buzzards and tmz crows (what can i say that you don't already know)

by notcaycepollard



Category: Captain America (Movies) RPF
Genre: Blowjobs, M/M, a continued excuse of a fic, brief mention of Sebastian Stan/Chris Evans, i have a lot of feelings about casual fucking that's not casual at all, press tours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 19:13:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7066627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcaycepollard/pseuds/notcaycepollard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Okay, okay, so if I'm Vanilla Ice, what does that make you," he asks, and Anthony shrugs.</p>
<p>"Come on, man, I'm clearly Cioccolaccino," he says, and that's the bit Chris overhears, gives them both a glance full of raised eyebrows.</p>
<p>"...Do I even want to know?" he says, weary and amused in equal measures, and Anthony gives Seb the kind of cheeky sideways grin that Sebastian goes way too soft for.</p>
<p>"I'm also the Mack Attack," he adds, "and you're the Sexy Sea Bass, obviously."</p>
<p>"Obviously," Sebastian agrees, dry. "I can't believe I didn't think of it already."</p>
<p>"Jesus Christ," Chris says, long-suffering. "Are those your names for each other's dicks?"</p>
<p>"No," Sebastian says, in the tone that means <em>yes</em>. Chris rolls his eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	buzzfeed buzzards and tmz crows (what can i say that you don't already know)

At some point they basically just give up trying not to try.

Honestly, this point is basically the start. Sebastian looks at Mackie, and Mackie looks at Seb, and there's a bit of a pause.

"What up, Vanilla Ice," Mackie says, deadpan, and Sebastian feels himself dissolve into laughter, and they're away.

Later, they're on the press tour, huddled in the corner of the hotel conference room, and ugh, they're tired, they're so tired, Sebastian's running on coffee and Diet Coke and way too many of the cigarettes he swears he's quit, but Anthony just keeps up this dumb banter, comes out with this laugh that Sebastian wants to, like, physically lean into, and he's giggling so hard he has to keep wiping tears out of his eyes.

"Okay, okay, so if I'm Vanilla Ice, what does that make  _you_ ," he asks, and Anthony shrugs.

"Come on, man, I'm clearly Cioccolaccino," he says, and that's the bit Chris overhears, gives them both a glance full of raised eyebrows.

"...Do I even want to know?" he says, weary and amused in equal measures, and Anthony gives Seb the kind of cheeky sideways grin that Sebastian goes way too soft for. 

"I'm also the Mack Attack," he adds, "and you're the Sexy Sea Bass,  _obviously_."

"Obviously," Sebastian agrees, dry. "I can't believe I didn't think of it already."

"Jesus Christ," Chris says, long-suffering. "Are those your names for each other's dicks?"

"No," Sebastian says, in the tone that means _yes_. Chris rolls his eyes.

"That's how it is, huh," he says, and Sebastian sips his Diet Coke, smirks, licks his lip in a way he knows Chris will see. Chris glances again between the two of them, smiles way too knowing, except that Sebastian also picks up on the micro-expression that's Chris broadcasting  _well, it was fun while it lasted, I'll think fondly of your mouth on my dick_. He should maybe stop blowing his co-stars on press tours. Except.  _Except_. They're always fucking interminable, Marvel junkets especially so, and Chris was a good guy, a good lay, and Mackie is  _fucking hilarious_ , so Sebastian's pretty comfortable just letting this whole thing play out. It'll blow over, probably.

 

It doesn't blow over. It's  _years_ later and they're still keeping it up, this put-upon best friend act mixed with a fucking comedy back-and-forth that everyone, even the Russos, wants to riff on.

"Well, I don't like him, but I have to, so, you know, I  _act_ ," Sebastian drawls, and Mackie holds him down that night, sucks him off so slowly Sebastian's struggling for breath way before the end

"Admit it," Anthony says, looks up at him, and Seb tries without luck to arch his hips up off the bed, to get a better angle, to get Mackie's mouth back on his dick, shit, all of the above. " _Admit it_."

"Fine," Seb gasps, "fine,  _fuck_ , fine, I do, I like you, we're friends, it's not an act, will you just  _blow me_ already," and Anthony laughs for way too long before he swallows Sebastian back down and then gets him off so efficiently Sebastian really has to marvel at it, later, when he's got some semblance of a functioning brain back.

"Look at you," Anthony says afterwards, drags his fingers over Seb's chest, "you're getting  _built_ , man," and that spurs on this whole thing with them texting each other photos of their abs, half competitive showing off and half semi-deniable sexting, and it pretty much always ends with the kind of fucking that's at least a quarter a wrestling match.

Bucky doesn't get to fight Sam in the new film, not really. He throws Sam across the room by his face, but Sebastian was kind of holding out for, like, grappling and homoeroticism, the kind of intensity they got to bring to Winter Soldier. Instead they get to do this buddy-cop thing. He's not sure if it's better or worse.

"Can you move your seat up," he asks, and cracks up, and every time they cut, Seb kicks the seat, just a little, just enough that nobody will notice except Mackie.

"I'm gonna kick your ass," Mackie growls the fifth time he does it, "I'm gonna string you up, I'm gonna- I'll put  _salt_ in your coffee, you fucker, kick my seat again," and Sebastian smirks at him in the rear-view mirror. Chris and Emily are getting touch-ups and having an intense conversation with Joe, and nobody's paying attention to the two of them, sitting in this stupid fucking car like children waiting outside a grocery store, and so Sebastian waits a couple of minutes and then kicks again, just hard enough that Mackie will feel it right in his butt.

"Jesus  _fuck_ ," he says, turns around, gives Sebastian a serious glare. "I'm gonna fight you later, you wait and see," and Sebastian's smirk just gets wider.

"Yeah, why don't you put your dick where your mouth is," he counters, and five minutes after  _that_ they're taking a smoke break jammed into one of the stupid fucking soundstage bathroom cubicles, Sebastian on his knees and Mackie fucking his mouth with what's probably quite a bit of fairly understandable pent-up aggression, really. Sebastian's been kicking his seat for like an hour. He probably fucking deserves it.

"You're the worst," Mackie tells him, and comes all over his mouth, his hands in Sebastian's hair until it's irretrievably tangled. 

Makeup is gonna be pissed. Sebastian thinks it's kind of worth it.

 

Then they're doing press again, and Sebastian doesn't know whether it's better or worse this time. Someone in Marvel's twigged to the fact that putting Seb and Mackie in a room together will result in great things slash confusing conversations the internet  _loves_ , so they're basically doing all joint interviews, Team Cap, rah rah rah. He handles it with mostly good grace. Kind of good grace. He handles it, is the point, and he and Anthony do feed off each other's energy, to the point where Seb's chest winds up hurting from laughing, and he's usually at least half-hard in his pants by the end of it all. Mackie just looks really _good_ , okay, his fucking arms, Jesus, it's not fair. Seb's been eating five thousand calories a day, boiled chicken at three in the morning, the kind of training regime that's brutal, and he still can't hardly keep up. It's almost enough to demand some solo interviews for a change.

When he goes on Colbert, it _is_ solo, and Stephen brings up Mackie 'cause he's on the next night, and Seb barely considers his options before rolling with it. Can't not, at this point. Cioccolaccino and Vanilla Ice, everyone laughs, it's fine, and then Seb just-

"Well, yeah, because I'm Sexy Sea Bass, and he's Mack Attack. That's the name that he gave me, by the way. But also the Cioccolaccino, he prefers that." Stephen looks gleeful, and Sebastian fucking  _knows_ he's gonna get a text from Chris probably saying nothing but DICKNAMES and then a row of eggplants, and he just. They're basically the worst-kept secret in all of Marvel by now, surely, everyone cares so much about whether Captain America's gonna die, and nobody seems to be asking the obvious question.  _Hey Sebastian, are you fucking your costar or what, you've kind of got this thing going on._

Honestly, it makes him a little reckless. It's probably dangerous, of course it is, but they stopped giving a fuck right back at the start, and it's kind of like pressing on a bruise. He's surprised when it stings, every time, but he loves trying anyway. It seems like Mackie's the same, because their joint interviews just get  _weirder_ , more and more overt like they're playing some kind of making-it-obvious chicken.

He doesn't know who comes up with the game. It's like, he doesn't know, this laugh rule.  _Make each other crack_. It's really very simple: a push/pull dynamic until one of them laughs, and then whoever loses gets on their knees in the bathroom in between interviews. It's actually pretty evenly matched, more so than Seb would have expected. Mackie pushes and pushes until Sebastian can't help giggling, but Mackie  _also_ has this habit of cracking himself up, and Seb just has to desperately play it cool until Anthony starts laughing.

"Show 'em the muscles," Anthony goads, and Sebastian tucks his hair back, smirks a little.

"I can't right now, I just had lunch," he says, easy like Anthony hasn't seen him shirtless a hundred different times right now, and Mackie laughs like maybe he  _wants_ to lose, except then he just  _keeps going_ , Jesus Christ, and Sebastian's not gonna do anything except play along, here.

"Which way's the beach, Sea Bass, which way's the beach?"

"Down  _there_ ," Seb says, points at his dick, quirks an eyebrow and gives Anthony his favorite smile, the one that says  _you know where, pal_ , and Anthony  _loses it_ , dissolves into peals of laughter, and shit,  _shit_ , now's probably a super inconvenient and terrible moment to realize that Anthony's laugh might actually be Sebastian's favorite sound in the world.

 

"Hey, man, you got me good, this one's on me, right?" Anthony says after, when Sebastian crowds him into the nearest empty greenroom, shoves him up against the door and drops to his knees. Seb looks up through his eyelashes, pauses in the middle of hopefully not-too-desperately unbuckling Anthony's belt, and takes a breath.

"I- just let me, okay?" he asks, smiles winningly, hopes like hell his sudden need isn't shining through.  _I just realized I might be a little bit in love with you, come on, I need your cock in my mouth right the fuck now_ is probably too heavy to hit Mackie with this time of the day, but god,  _god_ , he really does. 

"Well," Anthony says, "yeah, okay, fuck, don't let me stop you, man," and lets his head fall back until it hits the door with a clunk, and Sebastian gets his pants down and just goes to town. Anthony's dick is heavy in his mouth, more than half-hard already and thickening against Seb's lips, and he gets it slick, breathes through his nose, takes him down to the back of his throat and moans around it, just a little.

Oh, god. God it's good. His jaw's beginning to ache, and Anthony's hand is resting in his hair, not grabbing or pulling the way he does sometimes, just  _there_ , a gentle touch at the back of his head. Sebastian wants to keep this forever, wants to taste Anthony in his mouth and feel him in his throat, just  _wants_ with a force that's a little blinding. He pushes harder, chokes a little, blinks back the sting of tears, because shit, _fuck_ , there are more interviews after this, he can't go onscreen looking raw and fucked or worse,  _emotional_. He just has to keep it together, and also finish what he's doing.

"Sebastian," Anthony murmurs, soft and kind of maybe a little reverent, " _fuck_ , man, your  _mouth_ ," and touches his thumb to the corner of Seb's lip where it's stretched open around Anthony's dick. It makes Sebastian redouble his efforts; he pulls back, works his tongue under the head, just the lightest graze of teeth the way he knows Mackie likes before taking him back in as far as he can go. "So good," Anthony says, or moans, basically, because seriously, Sebastian is _very_ good at what he does, "you're so, that's so fucking good, I love it, I love-" and he's coming in thick spurts down Sebastian's throat, and Sebastian just swallows around it, presses his nose into the curls at the base of Anthony's dick, breathes him in.

He waits until Anthony's gone soft in his mouth before he pulls off, and then he tucks him away, does up Anthony's belt buckle and unfolds himself from his knees and back to standing, and he actually gets kind of a dizzy rush at first, all the blood flooding to his head. Anthony reaches for Seb's dick, which is hard enough to cut the Cap shield in half, probably, and Sebastian brushes his hand away, shakes his head.

"No time," he says casually, voice low and rough, fucked out, "it's cool, man." Reaches down for the bottle of Diet Coke at his feet and takes a sip, swallows, feels the carbonation scrape his throat raw.

"Okay," Anthony agrees, a little questioning, pats Sebastian on the shoulder. "Later?"

"Yeah," Seb says, "yeah, later, for sure, you owe me," and Anthony laughs, and then  _oh god_ he's leaning in to kiss Seb, and they don't, they don't  _do_ this, they've been fucking on and off, mostly on, for years, but they've never, they've never  _kissed_ , not like-

Anthony's lips are warm against his, and it's really very chaste, the kiss, just a quick brush before Anthony steps away, and Sebastian is realizing all over again it's gonna be a lot too hard to play it cool. Like, impossible.  _Oh_ , he thinks, and knows he's fucked, and the thing is: he'd do it all again, probably.

**Author's Note:**

> so i don't know if you know this about me but i literally have no shame when it comes to these two, and also, [what the fuck is this shit](http://notcaycepollard.tumblr.com/post/145095398306/hey-i-was-wondering-if-you-could-steer-me-in-the)
> 
> (join me on [tumblr](http://notcaycepollard.tumblr.com/), which has become a Wailing About Sebastian Stan's Fucking Face blog, I feel deeply sorry for my followers who thought they were in for varied and interesting content)


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